This is weird, not in a bad way… just different. I can’t believe I’m actually committing to writing again after such a long time! I guess it’s the loneliness that drives me back to this page all the time.
I’ve finally finished university! Something that I should be celebrating, but everything right now feels somewhat empty? Like there’s nothing to look forward to, just empty. I don’t know whether it’s just my mind playing tricks with me or it’s a universal thing. This pandemic has dragged on for so long that ‘normal’ life seems so far away… I’ve been talking to a good friend of mine from uni and she feels the same, is it a bad thing to feel glad that I’m not alone in feeling like this? Maybe but I’m just happy that I have someone that I can vent to that actually knows what I’m talking about and doesn’t think I’m just overreacting about everything…
I don’t know. I’ve been doubting and questioning a lot of things about my life lately, I guess it’s the unlimited time that I now suddenly have, that I can now dig through the deepest and darkest parts of my mind that have made me feel this way. A good or a bad thing? I suppose in some way it’s both at the same time. I think I’ve suppressed so much trauma throughout my life and this pandemic acted as a key to all of it and it’s just opened up so much stuff that I chose not to deal with at the time that it happened… I feel drained. No wonder I feel empty. One day when I look back at this entry, it will cause so much confusion probably because I’m all over the place that I can’t properly put into words what I really want to let out? I’ll just list down everything that’s bothering me at the moment and maybe it’ll be easier to realize everything…
- Family — everything right now is messy and fragile. The events that have unfolded for the past few months have been heartbreaking, it seems that the saying ‘time heals all wounds’ speaks for this part. I’ll end it at that since it’s too personal and hurtful to look back on (see I’m suppressing things again, but I have a good excuse for it that maybe one day I'll share)
- The Self — through all the trauma that I’ve been suppressing, I’ve damaged the self. The belief and the confidence that I have in myself is non-existent which affects everything in my life and leads to more trauma and it’s shit! I’m trying to work on this but at the same time the years of going through it and covering things up, I have to slowly unfold and start anew.
- Relationship — this is not necessarily talking about a love relationship but just relationships in general, I suck at it so bad! I push people away and let them down, although they haven’t mentioned it to my face, that’s how I feel. There are also some relationships that I can’t seem to get over or let go and it has done nothing but break me.
I don’t want to overshare too much in some aspects but it seems like a long list and in each of those, a lot of complicated things are included that I chose to not mention anymore due to personal reasons. Reading this entry has made me feel somewhat lighter but at the same time puts stuff into perspective for me, it seems like everything is ‘first world country problems’ but I guess it all depends on how individuals handle everything… I guess you’ll never really know unless you walk in my shoes. But if anyone out there is actually reading this, I hope your life is going better than mine, that you're healthy and safe and thank you for reading.
-S
